


Operation Nannycam

by Fyre



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Do not leave your demons unattended, Humor, Missing Scene, Nanny Crowley versus the Secret Service, wherein Crowley is bored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 20:04:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19180456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fyre/pseuds/Fyre
Summary: “What do you think?”Mike shrugged. “Goth Mary Poppins, I guess. The kid likes her.” Cody hummed. He shifted again. Mike tried not to groan. That was a bad sign. Cody could never keep still when he had a thought in his head. Sometimes, it was easier to rip the bandaid off than wait. “Why? What do you think?”Cody glanced sideways at him. “I think she’s screwing the gardener.”OrWhy it is a bad idea to leave a bored demon unsupervised.





	Operation Nannycam

**Author's Note:**

> I said I wouldn't write this. 12 hours later, I started writing it because I have no impulse control and it wouldn't stop making me laugh. 4500 words in less than 5 hours. Stupid Crowley, making me laugh myself silly.

“What do you think of her?”

Mike didn’t even turn his head. “Who?”

Cody nodded toward the end of the garden. The Dowling kid – Eagle 3 – was throwing stones into the pond. The only ‘her’ Mike could see was the Nanny, standing close by the kid, smiling. Sure, she had a name, but no one ever seemed to use it. She was just… The Nanny.

“What about her?”

Cody shifted his weight, his shoes squeaking on the flagstones. “What do you think?”

Mike shrugged. “Goth Mary Poppins, I guess. The kid likes her.” Cody hummed. He shifted again. Mike tried not to groan. That was a bad sign. Cody could never keep still when he had a thought in his head. Sometimes, it was easier to rip the bandaid off than wait. “Why? What do you think?”

Cody glanced sideways at him. “I think she’s screwing the gardener.”

Mike was a well-trained, highly-decorated Secret Service officer. He was always in total control of himself and his surroundings. He wasn’t the kind of guy to snort so loudly that the kid spun around to stare at him.

He forced his face to stay expressionless until the kid looked away. “Are you shitting me?” he hissed under his breath. “You can’t _say_ stuff like that, man!”

Cody didn’t even crack a smile. “I’m serious!”

“The gardener? Dude in the white dress? Big on the facial hair. Bigger on the teeth?”

Cody jerked his chin down. “I saw them in the yard together last night.”

“Oh, right! They’re totally screwing.” He gave Cody a look. “ _We’re_ in the yard together right now. You think we’re screwing too?”

Cody was always red in the face, but now, he almost matched his hair. “No! I’m just saying!” He looked at Mike. “I’m just doing my duty, okay? Watching for anything weird.”

Mike snorted again. Weird. Great. “I swear to God, you could write for TV with this BS,” he muttered. “Jerry Springer would _love_ you.”

“I’m telling you!” He leaned closer, his voice low. “There’s something going on!”

Mike raised his eyebrows. “Wanna put money on it?”

Cody’s face locked down. “You’re on,” he said through thin lips. “Fifty?”

“Make it interesting. A hundred.”

Cody’s smile was tight. “You’re on.”

Mike rolled his eyes behind his shades. Easy money, he thought as he turned his attention back to the kid. And to the Nanny. 

She was standing like an old time school-teacher, her hands clasped in front of her, and when he looked at her, he felt the weirdest chill run down his back. He couldn’t see her eyes, not behind the shades she always wore, but he had a weird feeling that she was watching him.

And then she smiled.

 

______________________

 

It wasn’t sneaking, Cody told himself as he crept around the back of the house. Sneaking was what the bad guys did. He was just… being careful. Watching his boss’s six. Or his boss’s kid’s nanny’s six. 

He didn’t know what was bothering him so much about her.

She seemed okay. Kind of weird, like Mary Poppins and Mrs Doubtfire had a red-haired emo baby, but the kid thought she was great. Eagle 1 didn’t even seem to notice she was there and Eagle 2 was happy enough to let her deal with any problems with the kid. 

She had a private room in the east wing of the house, but Cody had seen her slip out the back at least four times when he was on the night rotation. She was never gone for long, maybe half an hour. Once he was bored, so he wandered into the grounds and saw her coming out the gardener’s small house at the end of the yard.

Tonight, he wasn’t on duty. Technically. Technically, he was never off-duty, because Eagle 1 was pretty good at pissing people off and POTUS didn’t want anything to happen to him. But at least tonight, technically, Eagle 1 and 2 were having scheduled coitus, which meant no one would notice if he followed the Nanny out into the night.

The moon was a thin bright curve, so he kept to the high bushes, ducking into the shadows as he snuck after her. She walked pretty damn fast for someone in a tight ankle-length skirt. Her boot heels tapped as she crossed the paths and – as he guessed – she headed straight for the gardener’s house.

“Knew it…” he breathed, slipping his hand into his pocket and pulling out his cellphone, praying it wasn’t too dark to get photographic evidence.

As if she knew she was being watched, she paused at the door and turned, looking over her shoulder. Definitely doing something shady. Then she smiled, tapped on the door and hurried into the small house.

Cody slipped his phone back into his pocket. 

Okay, he had proof that she went to see the man, but…

God, he had to know what was happening. Okay, yeah, maybe it was kind of a violation of privacy, but if she was up to something, wasn’t it his duty to make sure she could be trusted?

That was what he was telling himself as he slid along the wall of the house toward the only window in the house with a light on. The curtains were drawn, but there was a tiny sliver of a crack and he squinted through it into the room.

They were both in there, the man sitting on an armchair and the Nanny standing over him, one hand on her hip. She was smiling like the cat that ate the canary. “You could tell me to leave.”

Thank God, Cody thought, for old buildings with old, thin windows.

“And how often has that worked in the past?” the man said. He didn’t sound as English-redneck as usual. 

The Nanny laughed. “Oh angel,” she said, bending over him. “You love it.”

Cody gaped, then grabbed at his phone again, yanking it out his pocket. If Mike wanted to see what the hell was going on, he would. His hands were shaking and the phone slipped out of his fingers. It rattled and bounced off the window ledge, vanishing into the ivy at his feet.

“Shit!”

Cody dropped to his knees, groping through the ivy. In the dark it was impossible to see anything, but a sudden blaze of light spread out above him. His heart jumped to his mouth and he looked up from the ground.

The curtains were open and light was pouring out behind the Nanny.

She raised one eyebrow and shook her head and even through the glass, he could hear her tutting. She didn’t even have to speak for him to hear the word “Naughty boy” as if she had rang a bell in his head. He blinked stupidly up at her as she gathered the curtains in each hand. One side of her mouth turned up and with a sweep of fabric, he was plunged back into the dark. 

 

_________________________________________

 

It was raining again.

It did that a lot in England.

Mike had never understood the big deal about tea before he came to the country. He was a coffee man himself, but with their shitty weather and their ‘biscuits’, he was starting to get why tea was such a big thing. He was even kind of getting into something called Elevenses.

That was why he ran into the Nanny in the rec room.

It wasn’t a real rec room. The house was too old and big and classy for that. It had couches and coffee tables and a TV, but his suggestions for a foozball table and air hockey were shot down. Still, it was a good place to sit and had the best wifi in the house. 

And it wasn’t even like he ran into her in the rec room.

She was coming out as he was going in with his mug of Tetley and they almost collided. 

“Oh my!” She threw up her hands, recoiling a step.

“Sorry, ma’am.” Mike had been raised to always show manners to a lady, so he tried to step aside, but by coincidence, she stepped the same way. 

“Och, no!” One hand fluttered at her chest. “I’m such a daft besom.”

Mike held up a hand. “My fault, ma’am.” He took a pace back to let her out, but somehow, her step forward brought her right back into his personal space. “Uh…”

Her scarlet lips turned up. “Such a polite wee laddie, aren’t you?” She patted his arm as she gently started to push him out of the way, then paused, squeezing his bicep and her eyebrows rose. “Oh, my. Not such a wee laddie after all.” The smile – God, no, that wasn’t a smile. It was way too dirty to be a smile. “Why, I feel so much safer already.”

Mike stared at her. “Buh…”

Her hand briefly stroked down his arm. “Thank you, dear,” she cooed, then turned and walked away down the hall, shoes tapping and hips swinging.

“Buh???”

 

___________________________________

 

“I’m telling you she was hitting on me!”

Cody snorted. “Sure,” he said as he picked up his beer again. It was one of their rare nights off and for once, they’d both agreed to get out of the house and into the city. It was easier to talk there without any of the other staff getting wind of the bet.

“Dude.” Mike leaned closer, his face twisted up with worry. “She squeezed my arm and told me how strong I was. What the hell am I meant to do with that?”

“Take it like a compliment?” Cody opened the pictures he had taken on his phone and slid it along the bar. “I’m telling you she’s fooling around with the gardener.”

Mike picked up the phone and squinted at the pictures. “What the hell are these meant to be?”

“It’s her!” Cody exclaimed. “That’s her going into his place!”

Mike gave him a look. “I see a pale blur and some dark blurs. That isn’t evidence.”

“And her squeezing her arm means she’s wanting to bone you?” Cody snorted. “Sure.”

“Hey, I am _way_ better looking than the gardener.”

Cody gave him a speculative look. He wasn’t wrong, but that wasn’t difficult. The gardener looked like the poster boy for Inbreeding 101. Mike was a good-looking son of a bitch. He always looked great, whether he was in a work suit or t-shirt. Dark skin, dark hair, eyes that were almost black and a smile that made ladies throw themselves at him.

“Yeah, I guess,” he agreed, “but you… don’t seem like her type.”

Mike grunted, waving to catch the bartender’s eye. “And what’s her type?”

Cody waved a hand helplessly. He didn’t want to come off like a perving creep, but it wasn’t like he could just tell Mike how he saw the way the Nanny leaned down over the gardener and the fact she called him angel. “Not you.”

Mike made a face. “Sure. I’m everybody’s type.”

“And you _want_ to be her type?”

Mike socked him on the arm. “What the hell, man?!”

“Hey, you’re the one complaining,” Cody said, trying not to grin at the indignation on Mike’s face. “Maybe we should change the bet. Figure out if she’ll do you or the gardener first.”

A finger pointed right at his face. “No. Fuckin’. Way.”

“Okay, sure.” Cody took a sip of his beer, then waited until Mike grabbed a handful of peanuts from a bowl on the bar before he suggested, “Maybe both at the same time.”

Mike spent the next ten minutes coughing up peanuts. 

 

___________________________________

 

Cody was an asshole.

Mike had known it for a long time, but now, he was sure of it.

He wanted to win the bet, but if winning the bet meant proving that the Nanny wasn’t interested in the gardener and was interested in… someone else… well, shit. It’s not like she was. Not really. Cody had to be right about that at least. Squeezing someone’s arm didn’t mean anything.

But then there was her smile.

Jesus Christ, the last thing he needed was some knock-off Mrs Doubtfire falling for him.

Cody had to be right.

But it was starting to feel a lot like the opposite.

She smiled at him now, when no one else was around. Small, slow smiles, like she knew something he didn’t know. They passed each other in the hall once and he could swear that her hip brushed his. And then there was the day he came back in from escorting the kid to school and she was bent over in the hall, ass in the air.

“Uh… ma’am?”

She glanced over her shoulder. “Oh! Michael, dear!” She straightened up, umbrella in hand, and made a show of smoothing her clothes back down. “Oh, what a sight I must be. I dropped my umbrella, you see.” 

And he would swear to Christ that she bit her lip as she ran her hand down the length of the umbrella.

He couldn’t remember if he said anything. He could remember his face got real hot and he did the best thing any man could do in the situation: a strategic retreat. Not running away, but just… kinda not being there as fast as possible. 

“She did it again,” he hissed at Cody when they were standing side by side at the meeting with the Turkish delegation.

“What this time?”

Mike explained in short clipped sentences and Cody – that son of a bitch – started shaking, trying to stifle his laughter. “It’s not funny,” he muttered with a scowl.

“Kinda is, buddy.” Cody shook his head slightly. “Woman drops her umbrella and you think it’s a come-on? I think you’re reading way too much into it.”

“Reading too much–” Mike began, outraged. 

A warning crackle from their earpieces reminded them of the task at hand and they switched their focus to Eagle 1 and his guest.

 

_____________________________________________

 

There was a ‘family event’ happening.

Sometimes they liked to have the security of the Secret Service men in attendance, but sometimes they liked to act like a regular family. They always did when Mrs Dowling’s mom and dad came to visit. Cody wasn’t the kind of guy to judge anyone, but he got the feeling that this was so no one would see how much her folks hated her husband. Everyone knew they did and no one really blamed them, but it was easier to stop gossip if they got rid of the witnesses. 

Cody took the chance to head out into the back yard.

There was a wide stone terrace outside the room where the Dowlings were doing ‘family time’, close enough for him to come if he was needed, but far enough so he didn’t have to hear the raised voices inside the room. 

It was a warm day too, first one in way too long, and he wasn’t the only member of the staff taking advantage of it. 

The Nanny was there, standing by the balustrade and gazing out over the garden. Cody followed her line of sight, then grinned. 

She was watching the gardener on his knees, working on a flowerbed. The man was even more freaky-looking by the light of day, but she was staring at him like he was Brad Pitt and if Mike wasn’t going to believe a picture taken at night, he couldn’t deny one taken in daylight. He held up his phone as if he was trying to get a better signal and snapped a couple of quick pictures.

The Nanny sighed suddenly. “A lovely view, isn’t it, dear?”

Cody almost tripped over his own feet. He hadn’t even realised she had noticed him. “Ma’am?”

She turned her head, her eyes barely visible behind her dark glasses. “The view.” When she gestured with one hand, she definitely wasn’t pointing at the garden.

“Uh…”

A small smile curled up her lips. “I always think a man looks best in a smock, wouldn’t you say?” Her tongue darted out and she gave Cody a conspiratorial glance, her eyebrow arching. “Or, perhaps, out of one.”

Cody was pretty sure that was the second he swallowed his tongue. 

 

_____________________________________

 

“Maybe she was hitting on you?” Mike suggested when they met to regroup over beers.

Cody glared at him. “The hell she was. She was talking about him.”

“Sure.” Mike sprawled down in the couch.

“Look.” Cody tossed his phone over to his friend. “Look how she’s staring at him.”

Mike turned the phone over, flicking through the pictures. “I can’t see a damn thing, man. She’s got her shades on again. She could have been looking anywhere.”

“She was looking at him!”

It was kinda sad how desperate the man was to win the bet. “You’re gonna have to get a lot more than that if you want to get my money.”

Cody glared at him and slouched down on the couch. “What’s it gonna take? You want a video of them making out?”

Mike grinned at him. “You think you can get it?”

Cody snatched his phone back. “If I have to.”

“Bullshit,” Mike sniggered. “Never gonna happen.”

Cody sullenly drank his beer. “Don’t see why I’m doing all the work,” he complained. “You say they’re not doing shit. Prove it.”

Mike opened his mouth to say he could do that, but then it would mean getting up-close and personal with the Nanny. “Your job to defend your position,” he said, like he wasn’t a big damn chicken. 

 

__________________________________

 

Summer meant the weather was getting warmer. Not real warm, but it was better than the cold, wet spring.

Cody didn’t mind yard duty in the summer. 

Yeah, it still rained sometimes, but it didn’t soak through your clothes and freeze you down to your bones. It wasn’t exactly a hard job either. The garden walls were high and the gates were manned, so sometimes, he could even relax in the sun when no one was paying attention.

The one thing he had to do was the regular perimeter check and even that was – literally – a walk in the park.

He was on his afternoon check one afternoon when he heard a voice from behind the high hedge that surrounded the fountain. One of the house girls had shyly told him it was called the Kissing Nook and asked if he’d like to go and see it. He didn’t see what the big deal was. Angels on a fountain, some pots with plants and a bench. Nothing special. She got real offended when he said that and had stopped speaking to him for a month.

“Ah, tis very hard now.”

Cody froze midstep at the gardener’s voice.

“Now… if you move your fingers…”

Cody stared blankly at the wall ahead of him.

“Like this, dear?”

That–

That was the Nanny’s voice.

The world had gone strange and blank and Cody rotated to stare at the hedge as if he could see right through it. 

“Ah, yes,” The gardener sounded way too satisfied and Cody reached for his phone with numb fingers. “Gently now, mind. Pull gently…”

Oh Christ…

The gap in the hedge was only three feet away. He walked stiffly closer and heard the Nanny exclaim “Och, it’s all wet!”

Cody would later deny that he ran into the small courtyard, brandishing his phone like they were on candid camera. He definitely would deny tripping over the hose that was trailing across the path and landing on his face in front of the kid, who – with his widely-grinning Nanny and the bewildered gardener – was repotting a plant. And he absolutely would never admit what he thought was going on to anyone.

Well.

Almost anyone. 

 

____________________________________________

 

“Oh my fucking God.” Mike’s ribs were hurting from laughing. 

“I know.”

“You seriously thought–”

Cody hunched down on the low wall he was sitting on. “I _know_ , okay!”

“But you thought– and the kid was there– and you still did–” Mike doubled over, leaning against the wall, wheezing for breath, hammering his other fist against his thigh. “Holy shit! I wish I could’ve seen the look on your face.”

Cody winced. “Yeah… that was something special. I didn’t even know the kid was there!”

“Yeah, I got that much.” Mike shook his head. “How’d the parents take it?”

Cody shrugged. “I told them I thought there had been an incursion, but it was all clear. They didn’t ask anything else.”

“And how’d’you explain…” Mike waved towards Cody’s chin and the band-aid covering the six stitches he had needed after cracking his chin open on a flagstone.

Cody went as red as his hair. “Injured in the line of duty.”

“Line of duty,” Mike sniggered. “Your guttermind isn’t the line of duty.”

Cody grumbled and jabbed him in the ribs with an elbow.

“Look on the bright side,” Mike suggested, subsiding to sit on the wall beside him, still grinning. “At least you get a day off out of it. Who knows? The head injury might have knocked some sense into you.”

“Screw you.” Cody made a face, then winced and touched his chin.

“You wish.”

“I hope it rains on you all day.”

It turned out that Cody’s wishes were in vain. It was another great day, blue and clear and only a few puffs of cloud. Mike was more than happy. It was a good day to take time on the perimeter sweep, instead of standing by the back door for hours on end.

He was halfway around the yard when he heard someone puffing up behind him.

“Afternoon, Master Michael, sir.”

Mike thanked Christ for all the years of training. It was almost enough to keep his face straight when he turned around to face the gardener. The man was red-cheeked and beaming, his hat clutched in his hands. He was showing all those terrifying English teeth. None of them seemed to fit in his mouth. It was crazy how many there were.

“Mr. …. Francis, right?” 

“Just so, sir.” The gardener’s smile widened eagerly. “I wanted to ask after your friend, the young fellow who took the tumble yester’s morn. Is he well?”

God, it was so hard to keep from grinning, knowing exactly what had caused that tumble. “Cody? He’ll be fine. They gave him some stitches. He’ll be back on duty tomorrow.”

The gardener looked relieved, as if he had felt guilty for some part in the whole mess. “Ah, good. Good.” He hesitated, then beckoned Mike closer. “Now, between you and me, I hope Miss Ashteroth hasn’t been putting any nonsense into his head. He seemed all manner of excitable.”

Miss Ashteroth.

It took him a second to realise the man was talking about the Nanny. Of course she had a name. He knew it. He’d always known it. But hearing it on those weird, crooked lips was…

Oh God.

What if Cody was right all along…?

The gardener was looking up at him, wide-eyed, expression full of concern.

“I’m not sure,” he said carefully. “I think he got the wrong idea about some stuff, but it’s okay. It’s nothing serious.”

The gardener’s bushy eyebrows pulled down. “You tell him, lad,” he said in a firm voice, “I’ll deal with the likes of her good and proper. A lass like that needs a good, firm hand is all.”

Mike’s eyes bugged. “Buh…”

“She only needs a good telling.” He patted Mike cheerfully on the arm and winked. “Let your friend know, eh? He needn’t worry his head about it.”

As he ambled off, Mike stared – horrified – after him. If ‘a telling’ was what he thought it was, he didn’t want to know any more.

 

________________________________

 

A wad of notes was slapped down on the table by Cody’s elbow.

Cody looked up from his phone, confused. “The hell, man?” He blinked at the expression on Mike’s face. He looked like a man who had hang-glided over hell. “Jesus! What happened to you?”

Mike held up a hand. “You don’t– just– take your money and we never speak of this again, okay?”

Cody looked from him to the bills in confusion, then understood. “Oh God.”

“Yeah.”

“But… oh _God_.”

“I KNOW.”

Cody shook his head in disbelief. “I didn’t think– you… saw?”

“I… heard enough,” Mike said with a shudder. “Never again, okay?”

Cody nodded, wincing in sympathy. He gathered up the bills. “D’you need a drink, buddy?”

Mike slowly nodded. “I need a _lot_ of drinks.”

 

_________________________________________

 

“Well, that’s it all sorted out now.”

Crowley rolled his eyes, slouching in an unladylike fashion in the gardener’s armchair, legs splayed out under the skirts he had hiked up over his knees. “You don’t let me have any fun, angel,” he complained, holding up his glass for a refill. 

“I don’t see how your side would consider practical jokes like that damning in any way,” Aziraphale said, filling Crowley’s glass, then topping up his own. The modus operandi of the denizens of hell had always eluded him.

The demon’s lips twitched. “They wouldn’t.”

Aziraphale narrowed his eyes at the demon then he groaned. “Don’t tell me…”

“Have you any idea how boring a seven year old is?” Crowley demanded, rolling his shoulders. “I had to entertain myself somehow.”

“ _Crowley_!”

Crowley’s eyes danced. “What? S’not like I did any harm to anyone and it kept them on their toes for a few months, didn’t it?” He spread his knees a bit wider and sighed dramatically. “If they misinterpreted my attempts at being human and friendly, that’s not my fault.”

Aziraphale pressed his lips together sternly. “You know very well that’s not what you did.”

Crowley’s lips curled back from his teeth. “And you know what I did, do you?” He lifted one hand to slide his glasses down his nose. “You sure about that?”

Aziraphale met his gaze. “I should think so. I know what you’re like.”

He was smirking now as if he had come out on top, which was always a charming – if inevitably incorrect - attitude. “So tell me, oh wise angel, what did you say to reassure them?”

“Enough to stop their silly wager,” Aziraphale said, pleased to see surprise flash across Crowley’s face. Oh, he didn’t realise that at least one other person knew about it, did he? He delicately turned his glass in his hands, waiting until Crowley lifted his own glass to his lips, and added, “I told young Michael I would take you in hand and give you a good…telling.”

Crowley choked on his wine, coughing and splattering himself. “You said _what_?”

It was always a pleasure to see Crowley confounded. Aziraphale smiled at him. “You heard me.” He leaned forward with a small smile that wrinkled up his nose. “You see, Crowley. I know _exactly_ what you are like.”

“I– you–” Crowley mopped uselessly at the wine spilled all down the front of his corset, shaking his head. He was grinning, though, which was satisfying in a way that was entirely its own. “Satan’s sake, angel. Some warning would be nice.” 

Aziraphale’s lips twitched. “What can I say, my dear?” He took a sip of his wine. “I have to entertain myself somehow.”


End file.
